


sin

by Mystical



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Self Harm, christian!dave
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-02
Updated: 2013-02-02
Packaged: 2017-11-27 21:18:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/666604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystical/pseuds/Mystical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You tell yourself you don't love him but you do, you do, you do, and even now, in the sanctuary of your room, you feel God's breath behind your neck, feel Him judging you as you desperately try to scrub him from your mind because it's a sin to love him, it's a sin because you're both males and it goes against God's will but you</p><p>can't</p><p>stop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sin

**Author's Note:**

> I am so infatuated with straight laced homophobic conservative Christian Dave it's honestly ridiculous.

He fills you up, winds his way into your throat your heart your lungs until you’re drowning, clawing at nothing as he presses in around you, plugging your nose and your mouth and each individual alveoli and you can’t you can’t you can’t you can’t can’t can’t take this you can’t stand it because it burns and it hurts and you can’t stop the hunger in your gut.

You lock yourself away and scratch red red red into your pale skin to try and forget try to forget _try to forget him_ but you can’t, you see blue eyes and rumpled hair and buck teeth every time you close your eyes and you sink to your bed, mutter _im sorry im sorry im sorry_ under your breath and pray to God for forgiveness, pray to Him to absolve you of guilt because you’ve sinned, you’ve sinned you’ve sinned you’ve tried so hard to live your life according to His words according to His teachings but you’ve sinned you’ve sinned you’ve sinned and you deserve the beads of red that run down your skin, run down and drip to your sheets and stain them black black black.

Sweaty hair hangs from your head, masks your freak of nature eyes from the world as you drop to your knees and pray and pray and pray _im sorry im sorry_ you don’t want to go to hell, you don’t you don’t oh fuck why why why. You clasp your shaking hands in front of your chest, whisper words that slip from you like a geyser, fast-paced prayers that even you can’t discern, that you’re not trying to discern because the only thing on your mind is _please please please save me God I have sinned I didn’t mean to but I cant stop God help me God forgive me ill be good I promise help me help me help me._

The next day you stumble into the confessionary, mind bleary and fuzzy from lack of sleep, from no sleep because you’ve spent the whole night praying, praying to an invisible saviour. You don’t even remember what you say, remember anything past the pounding fear in your head and the abject taste of shame on your tongue and you deserve it, you deserve it for thinking of your best bro like that, deserve it for all the things you want to do to him, for the way your mind and your body turned against you, forced you against God and the Church and everything and _i don’t know why I didnt mean to._

 _You will be forgiven,_ the priest tells you, and you try to believe him, you try you try you try but the thoughts are still there, still bouncing around in your head and you thought confessing was supposed to help but it didn’t, it only made it more real, more _there_ and you love him, **fuck** you love him you love him more than it should be possible to love someone.

You make it back to your house and find three messages from him in your phone asking why you weren’t at school today, what were you doing, are you okay? You delete them without looking at them and slump against the cool surface of your bed, against the dried spots of dark blood that stand out vividly against your white sheets and

and imagine him here with you, beside you, lips on yours and hands running down your spine, your legs, your-

You whine and spread your legs and your hand wanders down, down, down, ghosting against your inner thigh before you snatch your hands up and dig your nails into your stomach and it hurts it hurts _it hurts_ and you feel warm blood slide from your skin onto your sheets and you keep digging, keep digging because you deserve it, fuck you’re a horrible person you’re such a horrible person you’re going to hell you’re going to hell you’ll burn and you deserve it you can’t believe you almost touched yourself to the thought of your best friend, you can’t believe you _love_ your best friend, your best male friend, what kind of disgusting person are you?

When you lift your hands, they’re stained with red red red and you lift them to your face, cover your eyes and desperately try to stop the tears from falling.

_You’re going to hell._

_no,_ you say, whimper it to yourself before turning to your side and curling up and letting more red spill down your body and into your sheets, your clothes, letting your disgusting presence dirty everything around you. _no,_ you say to yourself again and wrap your arms around you, holding yourself together and you’re crying, body shaking with sobs, _no no please no i cant-_

But you are, you are you are for having these thoughts, for having these feelings and you want them to _stop,_ you want to rip out your own heart and crush it in your hands and stab yourself, stab yourself until you stop feeling, until you stop being

_(but suicide is a sin)_

and _no please i dont want to God forgive me please i cant stop it i cant help it I dont mean it_

but how can these thoughts manifest, if you don’t want them in some way? **_no,_** and you’re shouting now, screaming at the ceiling and your body hurts your throat hurts everything hurts but you don’t care, you don’t care because **_no im not I dont want to_** _forgive me forgive me forgive me God please forgive me._

You turn to your side and close your eyes and you try to sleep, try to let the darkness take hold but you still can’t get messy hair and blue eyes and infectious laughter out of your head and even now when he’s not here you still feel him beside you, still feel him tightening the noose and he’s killing you, he’s killing you he’s killing you but you can’t escape, you can’t you can’t.


End file.
